As the droning bell sounds, marking the end of the first long period of the day, I bolt out the freedom door. Having measured the radius of the all too familiar Burlington Edison High School parameter, I know that I have no time to waste if I want to make it to my next health class on time. This is, of course, if I beat the bathroom line rush, if the wind is traveling at a somewhat low velocity, and if I don’t get caught behind some of the infamous Slow Pokes.
This antagonizing, irritating, deadly breed always causes major problems. They come in many shapes and sizes, so you always have to be on the lookout. Whether it’s the Chatty Friends species, gossiping about their latest crush, the New Couples variety with their excessive PDA, or the Lethal Texters, phone in hand, they’ll get you if you don’t watch out. One second you’re right on schedule and the next you are struggling to avoid a “tardy.” It’s such a battle again the ever threatening odds. On time is the prognosis one minute while nasty delays change my expected outcome the next. Holy fleeting moments!
I make it out of the bathroom, no problem; the line is just forming as I exit. Looks like I’ll easily make it to the health portable. The birds are chirping, the sun is shining and there isn’t a lurking Slow Poke in sweet sight. Just as I ease up, two Texters merge into the flowing stream of passing students from the right. I was so foolish to think I’d dodge them. I craftily attempt to pass the oblivious Texters, but it is no use. The incriminating bell drones. I am late. I hastily sprint into class explaining to my teacher, who has that what’s-your-excuse look on her face, the details of my encounter just seconds before. “Tardy!”
This is merely one example of the monumental, unjust effect dastardly hallway blockages have on innocent, well meaning students at Burlington Edison High School. Yet, how can we reprogram this common race of student; these Slow Pokes? By transforming the hallways and ground at Burlington Edison High School into hot plates, passages of Sahara-like heat waves, the lethargy of the Slow Poke people will be brought to virtual extinction. With sizzling temperatures of 200°F this breed will be forced to flee the liberated halls, or be forced to sacrifice their shoes. I can think of no one objection that will possibly be raised against this proposal unless it should be urged that someone could get seriously burned.
Firstly, everyone attending the school will be required to sign a mandatory waiver. This will ensure that any injury caused by these heated plates will be solely the fault of that long tarrying individual. This will negate the blasphemous claims made by would be, suit-happy victims. Should they take the right of promptness away from others, consequences will be paid.
Secondly, due to the advantage steel has over carpet, as far as janitorial cleaning expenses, all carpet will be removed from transit halls and replaced by easily cleaned steel flooring. Rather than hiring a full custodial crew to vacuum the hallways daily, scrubbing at the never lifting stains, the steel will be simply brushed off or lightly mopped. Not only will this cut down on the school’s expenses, but it will produce a more sanitary environment along with faster transit times.
Thirdly, Public Display of Affection currently a major cause of the crippling hall jams. If there wasn’t anywhere for these swooning creatures to mingle, it would resolve all-to frequent smooching complaints. PDA can often be inappropriate, or even turn into a mild form of sexual harassment, causing discomfort to other students. This would resume the constant flow of traffic through the halls, while putting a stop to this distasteful act during school hours. When your interest in the world is limited to one other person, it’s hard to realize when you might be creating a debilitating problem from someone else.
Fourthly, punctuality a very important lesson taught in school, which students will carry on to their lives after high school. At Burlington Edison High School, tardies are treated very seriously; 3 time infractions are equal to one detention. It is unfair for innocent students like myself to be penalized for the thoughtlessness of the Chatty Friends, New Couples, or the Lethal Texters. Not only is punctuality emphasized at our school, so is justice. This unjust punishment needs to be put to an end; let righteousness be heard or let shoes burn.
Therefore, I repeat, let no student talk to me of these and the like expedients, till he has at least some glimpse of hope that we can put an end to these Slow Pokes and their troublesome ways. I profess, in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least personal interest in the destruction of social life, relationships, or shoes, to promote this necessary work, having no other motive than the public good of my school. I can already smell the burning of shoe rubber; the smell of justice.